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As a Woman Thinketh, 3 acts, 

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Brother Josiah, 3 acts, 2 hrs. 

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Call of Wohelo, 3 acts, 13/4 

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Camouflage of Shirley, 3 acts, 

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Editor-in-Chief, 1 hr (25c) 10 

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Fun on the Podunk Limited, 

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Lady of the Library, 3 acts, 2 

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Tony, the Convict, 5 acts, 2}/^ 

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T.S.DENISON&COMPANY,Pubiishers.154W.RandolphSt.. Chicago 



SOPHRONIA'S WEDDING 



A SMALL TOWN COMEDY 
In Three Acts of Other Days 



BY 

HARRIETT SMIRLE WILSON 




CHICAGO 

T. S. DENISON & COMPANY 

Publishers 



SOPHRONIA'S WEDDING 




CHARACTERS. 

Mrs. Uriah Snodgrass. . . .President of the Uplift Society 

Seraphina Her ''Anger Daughter 

Mrs. Abner Doddridge Fat and Gossipy 

Miss Mossy Spriggs Rather an ''Acid Drop" 

Mrs. Joshua Perkins A Peace Maker 

Mrs. Elmer P. D. Killemquick 

The New Young Doctor's Wife 

Mrs. Peace Peabody The Village Postmistress 

Flossy Snippem The Village Seamstress 

Mrs. Caleb Savinsoules The Minister's Wife 

Lobelia Witherspoon . ) j-^^-^ ^-^^^^ Spinsters 

Pamelia Witherspoon ) 

Lottie Anne Sykes 

Mrs. J. Anderson Piper Gentle Mother of Sophronia 

Tilly Tucker Maid of All Work 

Genevieve Van Houten 

Sophronia' s Up-to-Date Bridesmaid 

Sophronia Piper The Bride 

Elmira Pennywhistle. . . . ) ^-^^^^ Characters 

Little Tommy Savinsoules ) 



Act L The Village Hall of Tattletown. 

Act IL Parlor of Sophronia's Home. Evening. 

Act HL Same as Act L 



Time — Several Years Ago. 



Place — Tattletotmi. 



Time of Playing — One and Three-quarters Hours. 



copyright, 1919, BY T. S. DENISON & COMPANY. 

2©3!,D 521>77 

0CT29l9ly 



SOPHRONIA'S WEDDING 



STORY OF THE PLAY. 



Sophronia, a somewhat frivolous and gushing, though 
sweet-tempered girl, much given to "style" since her one 
year's course at a fashionable Girls' School, has come 
home to Tattletown much imbued with up-to-date ideas and 
attempts to make over her own village and friends, receiv- 
ing rather half-hearted support in her schemes for advance- 
ment, but succeeding in establishing the Tattletown Uplift 
Society. This club meets ostensibly to discuss the civic 
welfare of the community, and gossip is strictly "taboo," 
but we shall see how far away they get from their ideal. 
The news that Sophronia is going to marry a city man, a 
"tonsorial artist," and has all sorts of up-to-the-minute 
plans for a fashionable wedding, leads to the calling of a 
special meeting of the Club by the President (long a dis- 
approver of Sophronia and "her ways") to discuss Sophro- 
nia's nonsense and decide whether or not she should be 
put out of the Society. Much gossip ensues, the meet- 
ing adjourning with the understanding that, as they all 
want mightily to attend the ceremony, they will postpone 
action until the day after the wedding. Sophronia appears 
unexpectedly and almost disarms their hostility by pleas- 
antly inviting them all to her house the following night to 
see her wedding presents. 

The second act takes place in Sophronia's home. The 
ladies all come with their quaint, characteristic presents 
to Sophronia's home, see her other gifts and criticize to 
their hearts' contents, Sophronia taking it all very good- 
naturedly. A dash of pathos comes in where Sophronia 
asks them to sing some of her favorite songs, for in this 
one thing she is not new-fangled, and a quartette of them 
sing "The Old Oaken Bucket" effectively, the rest wiping 
their eyes, and one sings "When You and I Were Young, 
Maggie," very touchingly, the sadness of the gathering being 
broken by the arrival of the up-to-the-minute bridesmaid 
from town, Genevieve Van Houten, whose comments on 
the rural presents before the givers are far from tactful. 
She is soon bundled out of the room and presently all leave, 



4 SOPHRONIA'S WEDDING 

saddened by the thought that "Sophronia, who kept things 
going in Tattletown though she was a silly goose," is soon 
to leave them. 

In the third act, another meeting in the Village Hall. 
The sisters straggle into the adjourned meeting of the T. 
U. S. disconsolately, all expressing in one way or another 
regret that Sophronia is gone. Instead of the usual round 
of gossip they remember all the nice things about her. They 
speak about the grand wedding in retrospect and read with 
much gratification an account in ''The Sundown Beacon*' 
describing the gowns each one wore on that occasion. The 
meeting, which was called for the purpose of ejecting So- 
phronia and her mother from membership, ends by making 
Sophronia an honorary member of the T. U. S. The play 
abounds in quaint and homely humor. The various village 
types represent their mode of dressing and their absurd 
gossipings and the contrast between the old-time ways and 
the "new-fangled" notions are all vividly portrayed and 
make an evening's entertainment at once charming, quaint 
and humorous. 



PROPERTIES. 

Act I. 
Embroidery for Miss Spriggs. 
Knitting for all the other ladies. 

Act II. 

Diamond necklace, pink slip of paper containing poetry and 

pencil and pad for Sophronia. 
Four pickle dishes on table. 
One pickle dish for Mrs. Snodgrass. 
Sad irons for Mrs. Peabody. 
Hanging lamp for Mrs. Doddridge. 
Chinese table gong on table. Need not show. 
Quilt on table. 
Six finger bowls on table. 
Cruet stand for Miss Sykes. 
Feather bed brought in by man. 



SOPHRONIA'S WEDDING 5 

Sofa cushion on table. 
Pickle jars. 
Picture. 
Jewel box. 

Act III. 

Knitting for all the ladies excepting Miss Sykes and Mrs. 

Peabody. Miss Sykes has a newspaper. 
Large photographs wrapped for each lady supposed to be 

the wedding group. 
A large poster for Mrs. Perkins. 



COSTUMES AND CHARACTERISTICS. 

With the exception of Mrs. Piper, Sophronia and Gene- 
vieve, all the characters dress in an old-fashioned manner. 
Each one should have at least an outlandish touch to their 
mode of dressing that will make the audience greet them 
with a laugh when they enter. 



STAGE DIRECTIONS. 

R. means right of stage ; C, center ; R. C, right center ; 
L., left ; I E., first entrance ; U . E., upper entrance ; R. j E., 
right entrance up stage, etc. ; up stage, away from footlights ; 
down stage, near footlights. The actor is supposed to be 
facing the audience. 



SOPHRONIA'S WEDDING 



Scene : The Village Hall, the walls decorated with lodge 
banners and "Votes for Women" Streamers, chairs in 
precise order. 

At rise, enter Mrs. Snodgrass, Seraphina, Mrs. Per- 
kins and Miss Spriggs, shaking hands, liow-d'ye-doing, 
untying bonnet strings and getting out work, tatting, knit- 
ting, embroidery, etc., as they seat themselves. 

Enter the doctor's zvife, Mrs. Killemquick^ hurriedly. 

!Mrs. Killemquick. How do, Mrs. Snodgrass. Plow 
do, ladies. I'm glad I'm not late. I had to help the doctor 
with a serious fracture case. He's so rushed ! 

Miss Spriggs. It's different with the new doctor over 
to Horsford's Corners. They say he had to run over a man 
with his 3iUtomobile in order to drum up trade. 

]\Irs. Snodgrass. I suppose it's very gratifying to doc- 
tors to be rushed. What's play to them is death to us, as 
the frogs said to the boys. 

Enter ]\Irs. Doddridge,, panting and puffing. 

Mrs. Snod. Oh, how d'ye do, Sar' Anne. 

Mrs. Doddridge. How de do, Mrs. Snodgrass and every- 
body. Mercy me, but this is a walk f er a hot day ! 

Miss Spriggs (turning to Mrs. Dodd., who sinks panting 
into a chair). Sar' Anne Doddridge, what a size you are! 
You look fatter'n ever, seems to me. 

Mrs. Dodd. (sweetly). Well, leanness don't seem extra 
popular with the opposite sex, judgin' by your case, Miss 
Spriggs, my dear. 

Mrs. Kil. Have you ever tried a cure, dear Mrs. Dodd- 
ridge? The doctor has a famous cure. First roll over the 
lawn and back from twenty to forty times of a morning. 
Then diet, of course. Three cold boiled prunes and a glass 
of water for breakfast ; dinner, two soda biscuits and a leaf 

6 



SOPHRONIA'S WEDDING 7 

of lettuce ; supper, a glass of water, a graham wafer and one 
prune. This coupled with Dr. Killemquick's Famous Anti- 
fat brings marvelous results. He experimented on his dear 
Aunt Euphemia. 

Mrs. Dodd. Land sakes ! Not Euphemia Turner that 
wuz born a McNab! I hear she wuz dead! 

Mrs. Kil. (hastily). Yes, she died. But before she 
passed away she grew thinner and thinner (enthusiastically 
clasping her hands) till she simply faded into nothing! It 
was a most gratifying case for Elmer to see the flesh roll 
oflf her bones. 

Mrs. Dodd. (crisply). Yes, and her bones roll into their 
grave. Well, if it's just the same to everybody, I'd prefer 
to live to enjoy my slimness. 

Mrs. Kil. (hastily). Of course it wasn't Elmer's treat- 
ment that killed her. But in any case who could wish for 
a nobler death than to die for Science? Elmer was so 
moved that he almost changed the name of the liniment to 
"Aunt Euphemia's Get-Thin-Quick." 

Seraphina (to Miss Spriggs). "Aunt Euphemia's Get 
Dead Quick," I'd say. 

Mrs. Perkins (looking up from her knitting, kindly). I 
think fat's kind er becomin' to you, Sar' Anne. I don't be- 
lieve I'd like yuh thin near so well. 

Mrs. Dodd. What's the business of the meetin' today, 
Maria? Madam President, I mean. 

Mrs. Snod. (grimly). We're called to decide the fate of 
Sophronia Piper, whether or not, in view of all her silly 
actions, we shall continue her as a member of the Tattle- 
town Uplift Society. However, we've still a few minutes 
for social chat. Ah, here comes Miss Snippem! 

Enter, hurriedly, Miss Snippem. 

Miss Snippem. How de do, Mrs. Snodgrass. How are 
you. Mossy? (Nodding to the rest.) Mercy me! I was 
scared I'd be late, and if there's one thing I can't abide it's 
bein' late fer meetin's — spec'lly church. (With compressed 
lips, meaningly.) 



8 SOPHRONIA'S WEDDING 

Mrs. Snod. I see yoii noticed it too, Miss Snippem. The 
minister's wife late again last Sunday. I call it fair dis- 
graceful ! 

Miss Spriggs. You don't say. That's the blessing of set- 
tin' in the choir, yuh can see everything that goes on. 
That's why some people belong. I think the minister's pew 
ought to be right out in front, then we all could see the 
goin's on. {Rolling her hall of yarn while Seraphina holds 
the skein.) 

Mrs. Perk, (looking over glasses). Poor Mrs. Savin- 
soules. She's that worrit ! What with her big family and 
not much to do on, and the baby with whooping-cough, and 
the second boy just round from a broken leg, an' no hired 
help, an' — 

Miss Snip, (tartly). No hired help? What need has 
she, Fd like to know ! They do say she uses a washin' ma- 
chine, too, and a bread-mixer. Downright shiftless, I call it. 

Enter the Misses Witherspoon, dressed alike, all in a 
flutter, mincing over to their seats. 

Miss Pamelia. How d'ye do, ladies and everybody. 

Miss Lobelia. Oh, ladies, who do you think we just 
met? Lemuel Snips, the village undertaker, and naturally 
we stopped him to find, out who's dead or dyin'. (They do 
say Lemuel keeps his eye on you from the first cough.) 
And what do you think ! He was drivin' his livery out to 
Sam Sharp's on the back line fer the old lady. 

Mrs. Dodd. What ! Sam Sharp's mother-in-law's not 
dead? 

Miss Lob. You may well ask. No. Mrs. Sam Sharps 
turning out her pore bedridden mother again on the road. 

Miss Pam. Shocking! We say, shocking! 

Chorus of Ladies. Shame on her ! Disgraceful ! 

Mrs. Perk. But I heard she wuz goin' up ter Barrie, to 
visit her other daughter there. I hearn Miss' Sharp say 
they take her half time, turn about. 

Mrs. Dodd. Tush ! They fight like Kilkenny cats an' 
treat the old woman like a dog. 



SOPHRONIA'S WEDDING 9 

Miss Pam. {continuing). "Well," sez Lemuel to Sam, 
"yuh want yer mother-in-law taken to the station?" "Yes," 
sez Sam, "and see that yuh don't miss the train on no ac- 
count." "Yuh can trust me," sez Lem. "I'll treat her as 
though she wuz me very own." {Laughs from ladies.) 

Enter Mrs. Savinsoules quietly. She sinks wearily into 
a back seat. 

Mrs. Savinsoules {murmurs). Excuse me, Jimmy cut 
his toe. 

Mrs. Snod. {behind her hand to Miss Snippem). Late 
as usual. Some folks'll be late fer their own funerals. 

Mrs. Perk, {nods pleasantly to Mrs. Savinsoules). 
Glad you could come, dear Mrs. Savinsoules. {To Lo- 
belia.) How is your Brother Tom? 

Lob. and Pam. Quite well, we thank you, my dear Mrs. 
Perkins. 

Mrs. Perk, {knitting azimy and tiirning to Mrs. Killem- 
jQUICk). I always laugh when I think how Thomas Henery 
Witherspoon got his name. Lobelia and Pamelia's ma, 
Mrs. Amelia Witherspoon, wuz a very sentimental woman, 
not to say of a poetical turn. She named all her children 
in kind : Aurelia, the eldest, Cornelia, Ophelia, Lobelia and 
Pamelia. Then came the son and Mrs. Witherspoon for a 
time wuz puzzled. While she wuz a-switherin' which to 
call the boy, Adelia or Cecilia, her husband turned, as a 
worm will do if yuh jest give it long enough, and he ups 
and ofif to town and registers him "Thomas Henery" before 
Amelia hed her mind made up. Ha ! ha ! 

Miss Pam. Our dear mother was the soul of poetry. 

Miss LoB. The soul of poetry and romance, as dear Pa- 
melia says. 

Mrs. Snod. {rising and rapping on the table). Now as 
we are mostly all assembled together, I'll call the meeting to 
order, as we've considerable to discuss at this special meet- 
ing of the Tattletown Uplift Society. First, seein' as we've 
a new member, the wife of our esteemed doctor, it is incum- 
bent on me to explain the object of this society. Perhaps 



10 SOPHRONIA'S WEDDING 

I ought ter use plainer words to suit the intelHgence of this 
company. 

Mrs. Perk, (interrupting). Madam President, yuh were 
goin' to tell Mrs. Dr. Killemquick the object of this society. 

Mrs. Snod. Yes, as I was about to say, when somewhat 
rudely interrupted, the object of the Tattletown Uplift So- 
ciety is to encourage everything good and high and uplift- 
ing for our community. As the late revered Elder Snod- 
grass said to me, many's the time, sed he, **Maria, uplift ! 
Whatever you do or don't do, uplift, Maria, uplift! 

Miss Lob. (nodding approval). I'm sure you're a pow- 
erful uplifting influence, dear Mrs. Snodgrass. 

Miss Pam. No one can deny that. 

Mrs. Snod. (gratified) . As I wus sayin', the purpose of 
our society is to encourage the ennobling and uplifting, and 
equally to discourage everything low and degrading, such 
as malicious gossip. As I wus sayin' to Mrs. Ephraim 
Straggles on the way here today — and will you believe it 
she's out in half mournings that's no mourning at all and 
Ephraim Straggles not more than cold. 

Miss Snip. Three years underground come August. 

Mrs. Snod. As I wus sayin' to Mrs. Straggles this very 
day, ''Gossip,," sez I, ''Gossip is the ruination of a nation." 
I met Mrs. Jerry Watkins right after, drivin' a new team 
and the old one not paid fer yet, they say. 

Mrs. Dodd. Do tell ! They say she's terrible extravagant. 
Don't make home-made soap, ner candles, an' only wears 
a bunnit the second spring an' hardly ever turns a dress. 
Now that there brown alpacy of yours, Lucindy Perkins, 
has been turned three times that I know on. (Mrs. Per- 
kins hastily draws her apron over her dress.) 

Mrs. Snod. (continuing). Very different from Jerry's 
first wife. She had to do the savin' an' the scrapin'. Never 
hed a trip on the cars in her life, he was that stingy. 

Mrs. Savin, (in protest). Oh, ladies, ladies! 

Miss Pam. Almost as bad as Sandy McPherson. It 
was before the present incumherance came to Tattletown 
Church. Sandy put a quarter on the plate in mistake fer 



SOPHRONIA'S WEDDING 11 

his usual weekly cent. He felt so put out about it that 
Elder McNab, bein' a Scotch man too and so able to sym- 
pathize with Sandy, passed him by with the collection plate 
fer the next twenty-four Sabbaths. The Sabbath after that 
he presented the plate as usual to Sandy, who, however, 
pretended not to notice it. But the Elder wouldn't let him 
off and remarked in a loud whisper, "Yer time's up noo, 
Sandy." That's straight, Mrs. Savinsoules. 

Miss Spriggs (biting a thread). Almost as mean as 
Shirk Sawyer that asked for tradin' stamps with his wife's 
coffin. 

Mrs. Dodd. They say Deacon Pennywhistle can tell ye 
whut everyone's put on the plate fer the last ten years. 

Mrs. Savin. Oh, ladies, ladies ! Please let us go on 
with the business of the meeting. Madam President, you 
were saying — 

Mrs. Snod. Exactly! Gossip is the one thing {emphat- 
ically) that we as members of the Tattletown Uplift So- 
ciety will not tolerate. {Thumping the table for emphasis.) 
As I was sayin' to Mrs. Straggles only this afternoon 
{aside), I can't get over her bein' out in half colors so soon. 

Mi3S Snip, {acidly). Most of us wouldn't mind wearin' 
mournin' if we could pick the ones we'd wear it for. 

Mrs. Snod. As I said to Mrs. Straggles, ^'Gossip, Mrs. 
Straggles, is a criminal crime." Do you know in the bright 
morning sun yuh could see quite plain where she dyed her 
hair. 

Mrs. Perk. Do tell ! Well, she does hold her age well. 

Miss Spriggs. Hold it? T should say she does! She 
simply won't let it go on. She holds it where it wuz ten 
years ago. 

Mrs. Savin. Oh, ladies, ladies! Really, I — 

Enter Tommy Savinsoules hurriedly. 

Tommy. Oh, Ma, come quick! The baby's swallowed a 
button ! 

Mrs. Savin, {excitedly pinning on her hat). Oh, dear, 
dear. What ever shall I do? 



12 SOPHRONIA'S WEDDING 

Miss Snip, (sarcastically). Give him a buttonhook to 
swallow after it. 

Tommy {continuing). An' Jimmie.'s nose is bleedin', an' 
Katie fell down the cellar steps. 

Mrs. Kil. {rising excitedly as Mrs. Savinsoules grabs 
her wraps). How fortunate, Mrs. Savinsoules. The doc- 
tor is an expert at button extractions. It's just play to him. 
He specialized on it at college. 

Mrs. Savin, {murmuring) . Please excuse me, ladies, I'll 
be back later. {Exit Tommy and Mrs. Savinsoules.) 

Miss Snip. Such extravagance ! And buttons so dear. 

Mrs. Snod. That baby ain't so much an infant as a cat. 
It's got more'n nine lives. I know ten that have been saved 
for it. 

]\Irs. Dodd. Did you ever see such a helpless creature? 
There should be a commission appointed to run that family. 
I suppose the eldest daughter is off gadding as usual. 

Seraphina {sourly). Botanizing, my dear Mrs. Dodd- 
ridge. She picks a few weeds and calls it botanizing. It's 
my opinion she meets somebody on these trips of hers 
to the woods, she's that conniving. Of course I'm not 
sayin'. 

^Iiss LoB. It's that second daughter, Emmy, the nine- 
year-old, that beats me. She's that upsettin'. 

Miss Pam. She says she'd rather hev one rattling good 
detective story than the whole of our Sunday School library. 

Mrs. Snod. {weakly). My fan, Seraphina, please. 

]\Irs. Perk, {laughing heartily). She's a right smart 
youngster, is Emmy. Beats 'em all at school, I hear. 

Mrs. Dodd. The teacher favors her somethin' awful, 
my Jenny May tells me. 

Mrs. Kil. I hear the eldest son got his B. A. and M. A. 
last week. 

Miss Spriggs. Yes, and like the rest of them his Pa'll 
have to support him, I wager. 

Enter Mrs. Peabody all in a flutter. 

Mrs. Peabody. I declare I am late. I simply had to 
wait fer the three o'clock mail to see if the love letter came 



SOPHRONIA'S WEDDING 13 

as usual, and if there was any more passels o' candy. {Re- 
moves gloves.) 

Mrs. Kil. (mystified). The love letter? 

j\Irs. Peabody (sitting down). Yes, Sophronia's. She 
gits one every day, lavender and scented to kill. And sech 
mush! (Throws up her hands.) 

IMrs. Kil. (innocently). But how do you know, Mrs. 
Peabody ? 

Mrs. Peabody (/;; a huff). I hope yuh don't think I'd 
open another person's letter, Mrs. Killemquick. Fm not 
that kind.. But if folks is sech fools as ter use sech thin 
envelopes that their writing kin be read through, it ain't 
my fault, is it? 

Mrs. Sxod. Indeed, no. But do go on, INIrs. Peabody. 

Mrs. Peabody (continuing). Yesterday's started "My pre- 
cious darling, red-lipped cherry." He's called her a cherry, 
a rose, a tulip, a honey bee and a luscious peach. He'll soon 
be over the hull garden. Yuh jest ought ter see the passel 
that came. I can't make out what it is, but it isn't candy 
this time, ner flowers. It felt kinder smooth and where the 
corner of the wrapper wuz torn a bit, I saw a pink box. 
(Ladies are mostly leaning eagerly forward, work sus- 
pended, hanging on her words, except Mrs. Killemquick 
and Mrs. Perkins.) 

Enter ]\Irs. Savinsoules quietly, sinking into her seat 
and taking out knitting almost unnoticed. 

Miss Pam. Now I wonder what it w^as. What would you 
think. Sister Lobelia? You've had more experience than 
most with men and their gifts. (Coyly.) 

Mrs. Peabody. I figgered it out it wuz somethin' fer 
the weddin'. The handwritin' wuz his, that's certain. 

Mrs. Kil. His? 

Mrs. Peabody. Yes, Sophronia's young man. Her 
finance she calls him, and he'll need to be some financer 
to keep Sophronia Piper in hats alone. She's got a new 
twenty-dollar pawnamaw. 

Mrs. Kil. Oh, fi-ance. Is she going to be married? 

Mrs. Snod. (rising). Yes, and that brings me to the 



14 SOPHRONIA'S WEDDING 

business of this meeting. As I wuz explaining to the doc- 
tor's wife, we females are organized fer the upliftin' of 
society, and anything affecting its welfare is our concern. 
Sophronia's wedding is the great thing we are called upon 
to consider today in detail. 

Mrs. Savin. But is that a matter affecting the commu- 
nity? I thought it was a most personal private affair. 

Mrs. Snod. (emphatically) . It most certainly does affect 
the moral welfare of Tattletowii. Whether we're going to 
countenance this outrageous wedding that goes agin' all 
the established rules fer weddings in this county fer gener- 
ations, certainly is our business. 

Miss Spriggs. But I see Mrs. Killemquick looks mysti- 
fied. Hadn't we better explain from the first, and also 
review in mind all the other crazy goin's on of Sophronia 
Piper since she came home from that boarding school, be- 
fore we pass sentence on her? 

Mrs. Savin, (timidly). I — I — always liked Sophronia. 
She's so kind-hearted. Of course she's got a little city 
style, but I don't see as we should discuss her. I hope you 
won't. It's her own affair, I'm sure. 

Mrs. Dodd. That's all very fine, Mrs. Savinsoules, and 
I suppose it's your business to see good in even the most 
depraved creatures. But we're workin' fer the upliftin' of 
Tattletown society and we must not shirk even an unpleas- 
ant duty. 

Mrs. Perk. I always enjoy Sophronia and her high- 
falutin' notions. I can't fergit how kind she wuz settin' 
by readin' to our Bennie when he broke his leg. 

Mrs. Snod. (severely). Yes, an' that same night a-goin' 
to revival meetin' with two pink plumes in her hat, and 
white boots up to her knees, an' white silk stockings, hose, 
I mean. But Flossy Snippem, you've sewed fer them lately 
an' know all the fresh doin's at the Piper farm. (Aside.) 
Spring Brae as Sophronia has written at the top of her 
letter paper. (Aloud.) Will you be good enough to inform 
the society, and especially our new member, just what the 
complaint agin' Sophronia Piper is, and we can see if sech 



SOPHRONIA'S WEDDING IS 

a one is fit to be a member of this honored society. Miss 
Snippem ! 

Mrs. Savin, (rising hastily). I — I'm afraid I must go. 
In fact I left a pan of buns in the oven, and — and Jimmie's 
cough is worse. In any case, ladies, please put me down 
for Sophronia. I'll — I'll be back later. (Exit Mrs. Savin- 

SOULES.) 

Mrs. Kil. (calling after her). Do try Elmer's new cough 
mixture, dear Mrs. Savinsoules. 

Mrs. Peabody. Did you ever? A direct insult, I say, to 
the Club. Sech a tactless woman ! I alwus feel that with all 
her saintly looks she's settin' in judgment on every one of 
us all the time. 

Miss Lob. I'll bet that bread will be burned to a cinder. 
Sech extravagance. White flour, too, as I happen to know. 

Miss Pam. Did you notice the third button missing on 
the minister's coat on Sabbath? Sech shiftlessness ! 

Miss Sriggs. His horse is skin and bones. Jest a frame, 
yuh might say. 

Mrs. Perk. We'd ort to git him an automobile, then. 

Mrs. Snod. Mrs. Savinsoules'll have trouble enough 
lookin' after that giddy young daughter of hers, I'll say. 
My Seraphina has caught Carrie Savinsoules smilin' at the 
organist more than onct in prayers, an' they say she spends 
most of her time toggin' up her clothes an 'powderin' with 
talcum powder. 

Chorus of Ladies. Shocking ! Massy me ! Land sakes ! 

Seraphina. Mrs. Henry McMaster, the druggists's wife, 
sez that lately she's bought a pink liquid that may be 
for dyein' her old blouses, as she says, and may not. I'm 
not the one to say she paints. I'm too charitable to put my 
thoughts into words. 

Miss Spriggs. I heard she wuz keepin* company with 
a movin' picture man. 

Chorus of Ladies. The hussy ! Impossible ! Mercy 
sakes ! 

Mrs. Perk, (who has been laughing heartily, drying her 
eyes). I think I kin explain. When she was up at Acton 



16 SOPHRONIA'S WEDDING 

visitin' her Aunt Susanna last month, Susanna's nevvy, 
Jack SmelHe, took her out a bit in his buggy. 

Miss Pam. Well, what of it? Jack Smellie's a decent 
man. 

Mrs. Perk, (still laughing). He's the movin' picture 
man. He goes roun' to the Fall fairs takin' pictures — an 
itinerating photographer, he calls himself, otherwise a 
movin' picture man. He moves with the fairs. Ha, ha ! 

Mrs. Sxod. {sharply). She's not worth wasting time on. 
We won't shirk our duty, however unpleasant. Aliss Snip- 
pem, will you please enlighten the meeting as to what you 
know of Sophronia Piper's crazy carryin's on in the last 
year. I warn you it's properly sickenin', ]\lrs. Killemquick. 

Miss Snip, {clearing her throat and rising). \Vell, as 
you all know, ladies, Sophronia Piper came home from her 
city boardin' school full of fool ideas which she proceeded 
first to practice on her poor ma. Not that I've any pity for 
Selina Ann Piper that was born a Hobbes. 

]\Irs. Peabody. That's what gets me. Selina Ann seems 
as loony as Sophronia. Loonier, if possible. 

Miss Snip. Selina Ann's plum crazy. She's the beatin- 
est ever. Far from stoppin' Sophronia in her fool notions, 
she actually sics her on. 

Mrs. Peabody {nodding). Sez she to me, ''Peace, I 
ain't evisr hed a chanst fer stylishness myself, an' Pm 
bound Sophronia will. I sent her to school from my egg 
and butter money an' it's the best investment I ever made." 

Miss Lob. Yes, that woman is dippy. Only the other 
day, speakin' of Sophronia to me, sez she, "When Sophro- 
nia was a mite of a thing in her cradle I felt she wuz born 
fer big things. Sez I to the nurse then — 'Mark my words, 
that infant will go far. She'll vet ride in her own automo- 
bile.' " 

Mrs. Snod. {v.nth compressed lips). I think it has been 
fully established that Selina Ann is plum crazy. Pray pro- 
ceed. Miss Snippem. 

Miss Snip, {continuing). Well, will yuh believe it, the 
first thing Sophronia did when she landed in the house 



SOPHRONIA'S WEDDING 17 

wuz to take down all the hair wreaths framed on the wall, 
wrought of the hair of Hobbses' and Pipers' dead and gone, 
an' the framed silver coffin handles and breast plate of the 
late Jonas Piper, an' put them all away in the attic, because 
sech ornaments aren't stylish nowadays. And Selina Ann 
Piper stood fer it. 

Chorus of Shocked Voices. Blasphemy ! Mercy sakes, 
what next ! 

Mrs. Perk. Bully fer Sophronia, I say. 

Miss Snip, (continuing). The same with the waxed 
flowers an' lovely sea shell parlor ornaments, an' them 
grand rag carpets with the peacocks and St. Bernard dogs. 
They aren't stylish, either, it seems (mockingly) , not used 
by the best people, you know. 

Mrs. Peabody. She's turned that best room of Selina 
Ann Piper's into a thing about as lively as a hospital ward. 
No carpets, just polished floors. No hair-cloth sofy ner 
wax plants, jest a davenport an' some gimcracks. She 
keeps messing up the house with wild flowers, too. 

Miss Spriggs. But it's Sophronia herself that gets me, 
Mrs. Killemquick. I wish you'd see her hair, all coils an* 
puffs an' frizzes an' bangs, an' earrings down to her waist, 
an' colored shoes an' stockin's to match. She's loony on 
the matchin'. The barns an' stables hev to be painted green 
an' browns to tone with the trees an' herbage. 

Seraphina. I believe she'll be paintin' the cows green 
next to go with the grass, or blue to tone with the sky. 

Miss Lob. And she's dolled up Selina Ann, her ma, 
like a Christmas tree. 

Miss Pam. 'Pon my word, I didn't know Selina Ann 
the first time I met her after Sophronia had made her over. 
You know her little pepper an' salt bun of hair like a cap- 
sule. (Aside.) The Hobbses all hev such poor hair an' false 
teeth mostly. (Aloud.) Well, Selina Ann appeared brazenly 
in a glorious crop uv brown curls that made her look as if 
she'd been out in the rain all night. 

Mrs. Snod. Jest fancy ! Sophronia calls it a "transfor- 



18 SOPHRONIA'S WEDDING 

mation" and says all the ladies wear 'em an' no bones 
about it. 

Miss Pam. {continuing). Then Selina Ann's limpin' 
round in high-heeled shoes an' shortish skirts an' — (aside) 
but I know you'll hardly credit it (aloud), a bright St. Pat- 
rick's green wool jacket that Sophronia calls a sweater. 

Mrs. Peabody. An' her late lamented husband rode as 
King Billy in the Tattletown Lodge fer twenty years. 

Miss Snip. Well, when she got the house fussed up, 
nothin' would do Sophronia but she'd uplift us. So she 
gives a. At Home. 

Mrs. Dodd. Where else would ye hev a tea-party I'd 
like to know but at home. In the hay loft? 

]\Iiss Snip (continuing). Well, anyhow we all went with 
our tatting an' our knitting an' clean white aprons an' empty 
stomicks, calculatin' on hevin 'a good feed of Selina Ann's 
roast chickens an' cherry pies. 

Mrs. Perk. I'll say that fer the Piper women, they kin 
cook. 

Miss Snip. And what ever do you think, Mrs. Killem- 
quick? About four o'clock, when we wuz beginnin' to ex- 
pect smells from the kitchen, in comes Jimmy Tucker's girl, 
Tilly, all rigged up in a cap and apron and lookin' like she'd 
burst, carryin' a tray o' tea cups. Next she ups and passes 
slim slivers of bread rolled with pink ribbon an' carrot tops 
or grass er — 

Miss Lob. Parsley, my dear Miss Snippem. 

Miss Spriggs. Yes, an' Mandy Fisher et ribbon an' all 
an' nearly choked. 

Miss Snip. And with the exception of some heathenish 
new pickles called olives (aside), which I couldn't eat fer the 
life uv me bein' so like a dose of medicine. (Aloud.) That 
was every blessed bite we got to eat, though we sot on till 
near milkin' time. 

Miss Pam. We'd a sot there till doomsday if Tilly Tucker 
hedn't tipped it off to Lobelia that the At Home wuz over. 
An' no set-down supper at all. 

Mrs. Peabody. Yuh should a seen Mandy Fisher wrestlin' 



SOPHRONIA'S WEDDING 19 

with a olive. (Aside.) The new kind of pickle, Mrs. Kill- 
emquick. (To the ladies.) I never want to see sech a suf- 
ferin' countenance on a mortal bein' again. But she got it 
down, stone an' all. 

Mrs. Dodd. Mandy's akind er goat anyway. She swal- 
lered a carpet tack an 'a quarter when she wuz a mite uv a 
thing. Her poor ma felt awful about it. 

Mrs. Kil. Was the child permanently injured? Now, 
if Elmer — 

Mrs. Dodd. Tush ! Mandy wuz none the worse, but the 
quarter was a total loss. 

Mrs. Snod. Why ain't Mandy here today? 

Mrs. Perk, (suddenly laughing). Why, bless me, I for- 
got. Hiram dropped in last night to say 'Mandy'd swallered 
part uv her upper set o' teeth last Tuesday an' hadn't got 
her new plate yet. Ha, ha ! 

Miss Spriggs. Seems a deep-seated habit with Mandy. 

Mrs. Perk. Well, I kin tell you to this day Joshua has 
the laugh on me bustlin' home to the milk cellar to eat him 
an' the hired hand's supper leavins after the grand At Home. 

Miss Snip. Certainly the frame o' mind o' the females 
of Tattletown community that night was not accordin' to 
Scripture. 

Mrs. Kil. What a truly extraordinary personage. 
Rather interesting I should think, though. 

Mrs. Perk. She's that all right, is Sophronia. I'm 
awful fond of her, style an' all. We'd stagnate only fer 
Sophronia an' her doin's. 

Enter Mrs. Savinsoules quickly. 

Mrs. Savin. I hope I'm in time for the report of the 
Civics Committee. 

Mrs. Snod. And / hope that bread didn't burn, if bread 
there wuz. 

Mrs. Savin. It was quite all right, thank you. (Seating 
herself and beginning to knit.) 

Mrs. Peabody. You know, of course, that Sophronia 
Piper has started a class in Civics an' she goes round gettin' 



20 SOPHRONIA'S WEDDING 

folks to paint their board barns an' fences in pastel shades 
an' striking out the big ads. She's even made their old 
sheepdog, Towser, into a French poodle by shaving his 
body all but a tuft on the tail an' neck an' feet. 

Mrs. Perk. She is the beatinest ! She's cast a spell 
over everybody. She calls Jabe Stokes, their hired man, 
"the coachman" when he drives her, "the groom" when he 
cleans the stables, and "the gardener" the rest of the time, 
an' she makes him dress up in a white collar when he goes 
to the village, an' wear a biled shirt like 'twas Sunday 
— (shaking her head and laughing) — a "neglected" shirt, 
she calls it. 

]\Irs. KiL. (mystified). A neglected shirt ? Oh, you must 
mean a negligee. 

Miss Snip. An' the clothes she's bought an' them I've 
made f er her ! Reams and rafts uv them white lingering 
things as they call them at Simpson's, an' caps. (Aside.) 
Border caps (aloud) fer breakfast, caps fer tea, caps fer 
the opery ! 

Mrs. Snod. (sharply). What! You don't mean to tell 
me that a daughter of the late Elder Jonas Piper plans 
attendin' the theatre? 

Miss Snip, (grbnly). That I do, an' whut's more she 
plays with playing cards. 

Chorus of Ladies (zvith hands uplifted). Mercy me! 
You can't mean it ! 

Miss Snip, (impressively) . Yes, a scandalous gambling 
game called "solitary." 

Mrs. Kil. Oh, solitaire. Well, it's not really gambling. 
You say she's going to be married? She must be marrying 
wealth. What is her intended's business or profession, may 
I ask-? 

Mrs. Peabody. He's a tonsorial artist, Tilly Tucker says, 
whatever kind of a painter that may be. (Mrs. Killem- 
(jUiCK smiles but says nothing.) 

Seraphina (sniffily). A sign painter like as not. 

Mrs. Perk. Them painters gets an awful lot of money 



SOPHRONIA'S WEDDING 21 

fer their pictures. They paint Presidents, an' Senators, an' 
Mayors, an' Generals, an' Ministers. 

Miss Pam. Probably he's painted — {use local names). 
The height of them artists' ambitions, I've heard, is to get 
hung in the Academy. 

Miss Spriggs. To get hung? Well, serves 'em right, but 
I never knew of anyone hankerin' to get hung. 

Mrs. Peabody. Well, I dunno. Anyway Tilly says he's 
a tonsorial artist with three stands going, of four chairs 
apiece. 

Mrs. Perk. That's queer. I know them dentists have 
to hev assistants nowadays to help torture you, but painters. 
(Shakes her head doubt fully.) 

Mrs. Snod. (rising). But the time is getting on. There's 
lots more damaging evidence we might recite against So- 
phronia Piper, but we won't waste our valuable time. I 
wonder why Miss Lottie Anne Sykes ain't here. She alwus 
has the latest bein' the party line phone's in her shop. 

Mrs. Kil. W^hy are Miss Sophronia and her mother not 
here, if they are members? 

Miss Spriggs. Fer the best uv reasons. They weren't 
notified uv the meetin', an' I suppose Lottie Anne Sykes is 
too busy courtin' Sam Skinner's brother that's come home 
from the West to settle. 

Miss Lob. They say she's there fussin' up his bachelor 
quarters an' cookin' fer him all the time she's not listenin* 
on the telephone. By the way, I hear Abe Spalding's got 
his fourth wife. 

Mrs. Snod. She's not so much a wife as a habit. But 
here comes Lottie Anne. 

Enter Miss Lottie Anne Sykes all in a flutter and gig- 
gling. 

Miss Sykes. Bless me! I'm here before the end any- 
way. My time is so taken up these days, tee hee, tee hee. 
I'd never have got here if somebody hadn't driv me, tee 
hee! 

Miss Spriggs, Mrs. Peabody, Mrs. Snod. (eagerly). 
Any fresh news, Lottie Anne? 



22 SOPHRONIA'S WEDDING 

Miss Sykes. About Sophronia's wedding, yuh mean? 
Jest before I came away there was a long distance call an' 
bein' a party line and as I went jest then to call up — ahem — 
Mr. Skinner (coyly), I simply couldn't help hearing, though 
I never listen. It kept me most half an hour. Sophronia 
Piper was giving orders fer the wedding. 

Mrs. Snod. and Others. Yes? Yes? What next? What 
now? 

Miss Sykes. She's having a fiower-ist come to decorate 
the house and church. A flowerist an' he's to tie posies of 
Mar-guer-ites (aside) plain daisies (aloud) on all the pews, 
an' there's to be ushers with lavender ties all alike, an' gray 
spats, and her finance is giving them each a silver cigarette 
case, women an 'all. 

Mrs. Dodd. Fer land's sake ! Whoever heard of sech 
doin's ? 

Miss Sykes. The bridesmaids are to carry baskets of 
roses, an' the maid of honor a shepherd's crook. 

Mrs. Perk. Well, that's old-fashioned enough. Joshua 
has an old sheep crook, though fer me I'd jest as soon hev 
a crutch. 

Miss Sykes. Of flowers, Mrs. Perkins, all uv flowers 
an' ribbons. 

Mrs. Perk, (wide-eyed). Land sakes ! Ye never can 
be on to Sophronia ! 

Miss Pam. Hev ye heard o' the house she's planned fer 
herself? Period rooms, if yuh please. A Georgian parlor. 
(Aside.) Drawing room, she calls it — she's got drawin' on 
the brain sence she's goin' to marry a tonsorial artist. 
(Aloud.) An early Victorian living room, Queen Anne 
dining room an' Mary Ann kitchen, I suppose. 

Mrs. Peabody. An' uv all the devices for savin' work! 
An electric carpet sweeper, electric cookers, an' toasters, 
an' washers, an' shower-bath, an' sewin' machine. 

Miss Lob. Sophronia'll jest hev to ring the electric push 
bell by her bed uv a-mornin', an' get the maid to turn on 
the electric switches an' set the machinery goin' while the 
two of them sets around readin' French novels. 



SOPHRONIA'S WEDDING 23 

Seraphina. Seems to me she'll need an electrician more 
than a hired girl. 

Mrs. Peabody. The hired girl (aside) — maid, I mean — • 
(aloud) is to wear lavender ginghams in the morning an' 
black with French aprons in the afternoon, an' Sophronia 
won't hev so much as to soil her hands answerin' the door 

"^^ • Enter Tommy Savinsoules, excitedly. 

Tommy. Hurry, !Ma ! The kitchen chimney's afire, an' 
the plaster's fell down in the front room, an' baby's under 
it, an' the horse has broke through the fence into Deacon 
Spottem's oats ! 

Mrs. Savin, (ivringing her hands). Oh, dear, oh, dear! 
Is he hurt, Tommy? 

Tommy. I dunno. I didn't know whether to go to the 
baby er the horse, the deacon's that pertikler about his 
oats. So I came fer you. 

Mrs. Kil. (rising and putting hands on Mrs. Savin- 
soule's arm). The Doctor's specialty, Mrs. Savinsoules, 
is injuries to the head, especially from plaster falling. He 
wrote an article once on it in the Globe. 

Mrs. Savin, (calling hack over shoulder). Thank you, 
I'm sure. If it comes to a vote, put me down for Sophro- 
nia. I always liked Sophronia. (Exit Mrs. Savinsoules 
and Tommy.) 

Mrs. Snod. Of all the poor managers. She couldn't run 
a hen coop. 

^Irs. Perk, (firmly). I think instead of criticizing the 
minister's wife, it ud suit us better to get the Ladies' Aid 
together an' raise funds to plaster that parsonage an' put 
it all in repair. 

Mrs. Snod. You alwus wuz soft, Lucindy Perkins. 
(To Miss Sykes.) Did yuh happen to hear anything more 
about the weddin', Lottie Anne? 

Miss Sykes. No. Jest then someone interrupted on the 
Hne 'phonin' about Stephen Stone's barn. It's burnt down 
again an' they say it looks very suspicious like. The mort- 
gage wuz jest about due an' he got it insured only a month 
ago. Of course it's not fer me to say — 



24 SOPHRONTA'S WEDDING 

Mrs. Snod. No doubt he burnt it himself. Them Stones 
wuz alwus a lawless set. Susan Stone'll be comin' out in 
a new astrakan coat or some sech extravagance, you'll see. 
What was that you were sayin' about Matilda Winterbot- 
tom, Lottie Anne? 

Miss Sykes. I heard her ordering a new switch an' 
transformation long distance from the city, fer the weddin', 
I suppose. 

Mrs. Dodd. Yes, an' she gev only twenty-five cents at 
the Thankoffering last month, as I happen to know. 

Miss Sykes. While I was 'phoning yesterday morning 
(aside) on a very personal matter, tee hee, tee hee (aloud), 
I heard Job Aikins an' his wife quarrelin' somethin' awful 
over the line. It seems she had to send the hired help to 
bring him home from the saloon last Saturday night. 

Miss Snip. Serves Melia Aikins right. She wuz bound 
to git that man, an' chased him round somethin' terrible. 
I'll bet it's her temper that has driv' him to drink. 

Mrs. Peabody. Speakin' of fightin', the Bob Riley's are 
at it cats an' dogs. As I wuz comin' along to meetin' I 
stepped into the drug store to get me a plaster fer Manas- 
seh's back, when in comes little Jimmie Riley askin' fer a 
bottle o' liquid cement an' a nickel's worth o' court plaster. I 
sez, ''What's up now, Jimmie, what d'ye want cement and 
court plaster fer?" Jimmie fair floored me; sez he, ''The 
cement's fer ma's good teapot what she broke, an' the plas- 
ter's fer pa's head w^hat she broke it on." I could hardly 
keep from laughin', he put it so funny. 

Mrs. Perk, (iviphig her eyes). I'll bet Jimmie wuz 
stringin' yuh, Peace. He's the beatenist kid. 

Miss Sykes (rising and drazving on gloves). Well, I 
really must be going. I jest dropped in to pass the time o' 
day anyhow. I don't know how it is, but if I ever go to 
the 'phone someone's alwus phonin' somethin' scandalous, 
an' I can't help hearin' whether or no. It's a good thing I 
ain't one to carry a story. But the things I know about 
everybody (looking round her impressively) . But I must 
be off. Someone will be tired waitin' at the door with his 



SOPHRONIA'S WEDDING 25 

new team. {Coyly.) Tee hee, tee hee. It doesn't do to 
keep a man waitin' too long, tee hee. {Exit Miss Sykes.) 

Miss SrRiGGS. She never will. She'll clinch him before 
the words are cool off his tongue. Well, Sophronia Piper 
ain't the only fool in Tattletown society. 

Mrs. Perk. Lottie Anne Sykes orn't to be let out with- 
out a keeper, as Joshua has often remarked. 

Miss Pam. They say she only leaves that party line to 
eat and sleep. 

Mrs. Snod. Well, certainly Lottie Anne always has 
somethin' interesting to say. Just fancy Stephen Stone 
burnin' his barn fer the insurance money. Was seen with 
matches and kerosene, didn't Lottie Anne say? 

Mrs. Perk. Well, if he wuz seen with a match last night 
it wuz on our back porch with Joshua, fer they sat there 
together an' smoked all evening. 

]\Iiss vSnip. Well, if he didn't burn it himself he got the 
hired man to, mark my words. It'll be a comedown fer 
Mrs. Stephen Stone to have her husband tried fer arson. 
She's that upstartin' sence her uncle is a Alderman. 

Mrs. Snod. But now to the business in hand. Shall we 
or shall we not continue Sophronia Piper an' her demented 
mother on the roll of our honored Uplift Society? I know 
what / think. 

Enter Mrs. Savinsoules and quietly takes her place. 

Mrs. Peabody. Madam President, we've heard more'n 
enough. I move that we notify Sophronia Piper an' Mrs. 
Jonas Piper that their names hev been struck off the rolls 
of the T. U. S. {Applause all hut Mrs. Perkins and Mrs. 
Savinsoules, "(Sjho shake heads.) 

Mrs. Dodd. You're right, Mrs. Snodgrass an' Peace 
Peabody, but we must consider all aspects uv the case. If 
we drop Sophronia we can't go to her weddin', an' I fer one 
am goin' to that weddin' if I have to be carried. 

Miss Lob. So'm I. Besides, we sent a wedding present, 
real silver plate cruet stand, bottles an' all, an' we're going 
to get the worth of it out o' it somehow. (Pamelia nods 
violent assent.) 



2(i SOPHRONIA'S WEDDING 

Miss Spriggs. I wouldn't miss it fer a circus, an' I guess 
that's how we all feel. Wherefore I move that we leave 
the matter of Sophronia Piper's dismissal from Tattletown 
Uplift Society until after the wedding, so's we can all go 
with a clear conscience and get our money's worth. I my- 
self have sent a valuable antimaicassar. 

Miss Snip. I second the motion and further move that 
we call a special meeting for the purpose afore mentioned, 
Friday afternoon, two days after the weddin', giving us one 
to rest up. (Applause and nods of assent.) 

Mrs. Perk. I alwus say Sophronia don't mean no harm 
an' is the soul of kindliness. Also we git a great deal uv 
livenin' up as a community out of her doin's. Fer my 
part I won't vote agin Sophronia. (Noise without of fuss 
and yapping.) 

Mrs. Snod. (solemnly). As the widder uv the late la- 
mented Elder Snodgrass, that missed but one Sabbath serv- 
ice in thirty-nine years, I feel it my bounden duty to resign 
my high office as President of the T. U. S. if Sophronia 
Piper an' her silly ma are continued in membership. (Nods 
and exclamations.) Hear! Hear! 

Mrs. Dodd. The President is right, but as aforesaid we 
must see that marvelous wedding an' sample that supper. 

Seraphina. Supper? Sophronia calls it a breakfast, an' 
I guess it is, for there's to be toasts at it, Lottie Anne said. 
I suppose a variety of toast, cream toast, butter toast, cin- 
namon toast, etc. They said "toasts" on the party line. 

Miss Spriggs. Selina Ann says it's to be high tea. 

Miss Pam. High tea? Well, everything's high, but it's 
poor taste to refer to the prices of things before intending 
guests, is it not, sisters? (Lobelia nods. Bustle zmthout.) 

Enter Sophronia in a fluff of ruffles with a small dog 
in her arms, laughing and nodding. 

Sophronia. How do you do, everybody. Oh, you sly 
people! Never letting on to me about this meeting. (Shakes 
finger at them gayly.) Something up your sleeves, Pll bet. 
(To the dog.) Down, Fluffy, down! (To the ladies.) I 
just dropped in as I was passing to ask you all to come up 



SOPHRONIA'S WEDDING 27 

to our house tomorrow evening and see my pretty things 
and presents. They're perfectly ducky. I want every one 
of you. (To the dog.) Don't we, Fluffy Ruffles? 

Mrs. Snod. (stiffly). Thank you, I'm sure. This is our 
new member, Mrs. Killemquick, the doctor's wife. You 
surely got your notice of the meeting. If not, no doubt it 
wuz thought you'd be too busy to attend so near your 
nuptials. 

SoPHRONiA (shaking hands heartily with Mrs. Kil.). 
Delighted to meet you, Mrs. Killemquick. You'll come and 
bring the darling doctor, won't you? Isn't Fluffy Ruffles 
a perfect precious? Dear Chester sent him to me. Every- 
one is carrying Pomeranians in town. This one just 
matches my going-away frock, I just had to have one. 
{To the dog.) There, there; did umn not like the nassy 
ladies! Bless urns heart. (To the ladies.) Now I must run 
along. Do come tomorrow night, everybody, like dears — 
you, dear Mrs. Perkins, you. Miss Pamelia. Goodbye, then, 
everybody. It's Fluffy's bathtime. (Waving airily as she 
fluffs off.) Au revoir till tomorrow night. (Exit Sophro- 
NiA. Ladies nod delightedly for the most part.) 

Mrs. Dodd. That girl casts a spell over folks. When 
she's round I can't fer the life uv me help likin' her, though 
my conscience tells me it's a weakness. (Ladies nod assent.) 

Mrs. Snod. I'm glad Fm not of a weak nature. You'll 
notice / didn't accept the invitatiofi. As the widder uv the 
late lamented Elder Snodgrass I feel it my bounden duty to 
keep away from sech light company. 

Mrs. Peabody (ivho for some time has been looking 
mystified, suddenly sees light). So that's the Pom! Well, 
well, well ! Fer the life uv me I couldn't make out all the 
letters an' the telegrams referring to the buying an' ship- 
ping of a Pom. I asked Miss Lobelia here, an' she sed it 
wuz French fer an apple, "pomme," an apple sez she. But 
thinks I it's a lot of fuss to make over buyin' an apple. 
That's what was in yesterday's box that baffled me. Dog 
biscuits fer the Pom ! I see it all now. Well, who'd a 
thunk it. 



28 SOPHRONIA'S WEDDING 

Miss Snip. Well, I suppose we'll all meet tomorrow 
night. 

Mrs. Snod. (rising). If there's no further business, I 
declare this meeting — 

Interrupting by the pUinging entrance of Miss Elmira 
Pennywhistle_, wildly waving her hand. 

Elmira. Wait a minute, ladies ! Listen. You'll never 
credit it. I was up to Horsford's Corners today an' went 
to the Free Library to see if the Encyclopaedy told how 
much them tonsorial artists got paid fer paintin' kings, an' 
ministers, an' things, and wJiat do you think! I nearly had 
a fit. 

Chorus OF Ladies {crowding round) . Whatever, Elmiry ! 
Quick ! Do tell ! 

Elmira (impressively) . A tonsorial artist isn't a painter 
artist at all ! It's — a — barber ! 

(Curtain descends amid exclamations of extreme sur- 
prise. Massy me! Fer land's sake! Who'd ever a thunk it!) 

Curtain. 



Act II. 



Scene: Parlor of the Piper farmstead zvith a number 
of wedding gifts spread out on mantel and tables, includ- 
ing a goodly array of glass, silver, gaudy fancy work, a 
number of old-fashioned things such as bright colored quilts, 
stuffed birds, tidies, water set, enlarged photos, etc. Selina 
Ann Piper and Sophronia are looking at the gifts. 

Selina Ann Piper. Mercy me ! Whatever will you do 
with three pickle dishes, colored ones at that, Sophronia? 
Gracious, and this brilliant water set — 

Sophronia {laughing good naturedly). You're getting 
to have quite good taste, Mamma. You'll soon be a fusser. 
But they're such old dears, the Tattletown friends. For 
their sakes I love even this atrocity. (Holds up a very 
gaudy tidy.) 



SOPHRONIA'S WEDDING 29 

Selina. Looks like it wuz made for the missionaries' 
box. {Her eye lighting on a very showy quilt.) Sophronia, 
you'd better leave this behind with me. I ken use it on the 
hired man's bed or mebbe smuggle it into the rummage sale. 

Enter Tilly excitedly with a parcel. 

Selina. But Great Ned ! Another pickle dish I'll bet. 
This time it's red for a change. Where do they get them 
all ! (Reads the accompanying card.) ''With the respectful 
respects of Hiram and Mrs. Hiram Doolittle. May your 
path in life be as rosy as this dish." 

Sophronia. The dear old things. They knew a nice 
wish was in order and that was quite an efifort for them, 
1 expect. Dear Genevieve's train will be due soon. 
I'm sure I hope she and the Tattletown folk hit it oflf. 
They're not exactly the same type and Genevieve's long 
suit isn't tact. There! (Going to the zvindow.) I hear the 
ladies ! You know, Mamma, I'll miss the circle of old 
friends, quaint as they are. 

Enter Mrs. Snodgrass, Mrs. Peabody, Miss Spriggs 
with wrapped parcels of various sizes. Selina and Tilly 
relieve the ladies of their parcels and wraps, as they chat, 
and Tilly exits with all the wraps. 

Sophronia (shaking hands). How do you do, dear Mrs. 
Snodgrass. I was afraid it was too damp for your rheu- 
matism. Did you try that liniment I sent over by the milk- 
man? Now what is that? (As Mrs. Snodgrass unwraps 
her parcel.) 

Mrs. Snod. It's a pickle dish. I didn't think you'd get 
any. Jest a little gift, as you might say, from Seraphina 
and me. 

Selina (groaning irrepressibly). She only has four 
already. 

Sophronia (quickly). But this is a beauty. (Holding 
it up.) It's so unique and red is one of my favorite colors. 
Besides, Chester is so terribly fond of pickles. We can have 
five kinds on the table at once. (Mrs. Snodgrass looks 
gratified.) 



30 SOPHRONIA'S WEDDING 

Mrs. Snod. (aside to Mrs. Peabody). When I sed I 
wouldn't come tonight I never reckoned on Seraphina sprain- 
ing her ankle an' not being able to tell me all about it. (To 
Selina.) How elegant the gifts are, Selina Ann. 

SoPHRONiA (taking bundle from Mrs. Peabody and un- 
wrapping it.) Mercy, whatever have you been doing, Mrs. 
Peabody ! This feels fearfully heavy. 

Mrs. Feabody (proudly). It is that. They are. Manas- 
seh an' I alwus gives the brides what's weddin's we attend 
the same thing — a set of sad irons. Somethin' useful alike 
in palace an' hovel. As Manasseh sed, "Give 'em somethin* 
they won't hev to buy." Manasseh composed the card him- 
self. (Modestly.) Shall I read it? (Sophronia nods with 
interest.) *'May you never have anything sadder cross your 
path in life than these sad irons." A lovely sentiment, 
ain't it, though I'll admit I never knew why sad irons wuz 
sad. 

Sophronia. Charming! How perfectly dear of you! 
My electric iron is sure to get out of order often. 

Enter Mrs. Doddridge struggling behind a huge bundle 
and calling over her shoulder. 

Mrs. Dodd. Fetch the shade, Tommy. (Panting and 
puffing and mopping her brow.) 

Tommy Savin soules enters with lamp shade. 

Tommy. Here y'are. W-h-e-w ! So long ladies. (Exit 
Tommy.) 

Sophronia. My dear Mrs. Doddridge, whatever have 
you got there ? You really shouldn't have — 

Mrs. Dodd. (proudly unwrapping). It's a hangin' lamp 
fer the parlor. As big a one as I could git in town. 
Abner sez nothing so ornamental an' so cheery at onct as 
a hangin' lamp, an' the bigger the cheerier. 

Miss Sprtggs. But, Mrs. Doddridge, what er ye thinkin' 
of? They don't use kerosene in the city. Sophronia's house 
will be all lighted with 'lectricity. (Mrs. Doddridge looks 
crestfallen and Sophronia hastens to explain.) 



SOPHRONIA'S WEDDING 31 

SoPHRONiA. But our lights are so often out of order! 
Everyone should have at least one lamp, and such a beauty ! 

Miss Snip, (dryly). You'll hev to build an extra wing 
on the house to accommodate it. 

Mrs. Dodd. (doubtfully). .Perhaps my first idear was 
the best. I wanted ter give you a stuffed owl hut Abner 
hung out fer the lamp. I see yeh hev a bird anyways, a 
pa'tridge. I'm partial to owls. 

SoPHRONiA. I love the lamp. Look at my things, friends. 
(Ladies continue to examine carefully.) Aren't they glo- 
rious! What is it. Miss Snippem? Oh, that! Why, that's 
a Chinese table gong a dear friend sent who has travelled 
a great deal in the Orient. 

Mrs. Snod. (to Miss Snippem). I thought there wuz 
somethin' heathenish about it. 

Sophronia (to Miss Pamelia). That is Wedgewood. 
Don't you adore Wedgewood ? 

Miss Lob. (turning the dish over). Well now! Wedge- 
wood ! I could have sworn it wuz crockery. Be careful, 
Pamelia, of that cut glass. Don't go too near it or you'll 
get cut. 

Miss Snip. Selina Ann! Did Petunia Pennywhistle 
give Sophronia this here quilt? (Selina nods.) I thought 
as much. Pve seen it on her spare bed many's the time. 
Her Grandma Parker died under it. 

Mrs. Kil. (aside to Mrs. Savinsoules). I don't wonder 
at that. 

Miss Pam. She got it dry cleaned no doubt. I lent her 
that shell pattern fer it twenty years ago. That is — er — I 
should say five or six years ago. I was scarcely old enough 
to make a quilt twenty years ago, tee, hee ! 

Mrs. Dodd. (who has been turning things over with crit- 
ical gaze). So-phron-i-a ! Whatever do yuh want six little 
glass basins all ahke fer? 

Sophronia. Oh, that is a set of finger-bowls, dear Mrs. 
Doddridge. 

Mrs. Dodd. (mystified) . Finger-bowls? Wan fer each 
finger 3^uh mean? 



32 SOPHRONIA'S WEDDING 

SoPHRONiA. Well, not exactly. After a dinner, more or 
less formal, you dip your fingers in one of these. Gener- 
ally there's a bit of a flower or a leaf floating in them, in 
harmony with the decorations. 

Mrs. Dodd. Huh! If I didn't hev me hands clean before 
I went to the table, I'm blest if I'd wash them at it before 
the others. Do they pass a towel, too? 

SoPHRONiA (laughing good naturedly). Oh, they're all 
I he go. What do you think of dear Chester's present to 
me? One of them — {holds up a diamond necklace). 

^Irs. Snod. (gasping). Is them real diamond stones? 

SoPHRONiA. Yes. 

Mrs. Snod. Well, I don't like to say zvhiit I think uv 
the extravagance uv men nowadays. Selina Ann Piper, 
wan uv them stones would hev bought your whole outfit, 
weddin' an all, an' paid fer the minister besides. 

Selina (sighing). Oh, yes, Maria. But times is changed 
nowadays and we've got to keep up to the fashions. 

Enter Lottie Anne Sykes and deposits a bundle zvhich 
Sophronia proceeds to open. 

Miss Sykes. How de do, everybody. I'd like to ask 
somebody in that's outside. He driv' me over, tee hee, 
tee hee, but I supposed this was a female gathering. There, 
Sophronia, I jest brought you a cruet stand, a gift, as I 
conceive, at once useful an' ornamental. I nearly brought 
you a stufifed owl but an owl's merely ornamental. Would 
you hev preferred the owl? 

Sophronia (hastily). Oh, no, no. When it comes to a 
cruet or a barn owl, me for the cruet every time. Thank 
you so much, Lottie Anne. (Reading card.) "With the 
best respects of Mr. and Mrs. Sykes and daughter, Lottie 
Anne. 

The vinegar is sour, and the catsup it does nip. 
But for Sophry and her Chester we feel only purest 
friendship." 
Such fine poetry ! Whoever composed it, dear Lottie Anne ? 

Miss Sykes (proudly smiting her breast). I did an' Ma 
helped me on the second line. Honor to whom honor is 



SOPHRONIA'S WEDDING 33 

due. I spent most of last week on it. When yuh git to 
makin' poetry, it's awful fascinating. Yuh can hardly stop. 

SoPHRONiA. I know it. Chester writes b-e-a-u-t-i-f-u-1 
poetry. I'd love to read you his latest sonnet, may I? 
{Looking around.) 

Mrs. Peabody. Anything you like, Sophronia. 

SoPHRONiA (self-consciously producing a pink slip from 
her hosom). Of course you may think it silly. It's about 
my eyebrow, my left eyebrow, to be exact. 

Mrs. Dodd. We know, Sophronia. Young men in love 
is awful foolish. 

Miss Snip, and Miss Sykes. We know, Sophronia. 

Miss Spriggs {coyly). We've all been there, tee hee, tee 
hee. (Tilly, removing zurapping papers, suddenly snorts 
at this and Miss Spriggs looks daggers at her.) 

Sophronia (reading). "To My Lady's Left Eyebrow." 

"Dear wisp of hair so near the eye, 
That for this heart holds every charm. 
E'en so Fd watch and guard the depths 
Of Sophry's eyes from every harm. 

To live above her orbs of blue. 
Were happiness enough for me, 
I live in glare of city streets 
Far away from where I long to be. 

With Sophry, queen of my heart and life, 
With cherry lips and fairest curls. 
With cheeks like the orchard's autumn red. 
And teeth like ocean's rarest pearls." 

(Copyrighted by Algernon Chester Van Courtland, B. A.) 

Miss Spriggs. Yuh hev good teeth, Sophronia. I hope 
they don't all go hke yer ma's. (With a glance at Selina 
who hurriedly slaps hand over her month.) 

Miss Pam. (to Miss Lob.). Guess she must mean "T. A." 
— tonsorial artist. 

Sophronia (continuing). Here's a gem on "Parting." 



34 SOPHRONIA'S WEDDING 

But there ! I never know when to stop. {Puts it back in 
her bosom. Stir without.) Who's this? 

Enter Mrs. Perkins. 

SoPHRONiA. Dear Aunty Perkins, as I've always called 
you since the days of plum tarts. {Shakes hands affection- 
ately. ) 

Mrs. Perk. Hello, Sophronia, my dear. {Kissing her.) 
Now don't bother yer high-handin' me ! We're both plain 
folks an' like plain dealin's. But I'm real fond of you, 
child, style or no style, an' I could hardly make up me mind 
to come tonight {snijfing) an' see the last of yuh. It's yer 
last night in yer girlhood's home with yer old friends. 
Joshua said I looked like it wuz yer wake I was goin' to 
in place o' yer nuptials. {Sighs.) 

Sophronia {gravely). Yes, dear Aunty Perkins. There 
is something sad about it. I'll miss you all just terribly. 
{Shakes head sadly.) 

Mrs. Perk {brightening up with an effort). But this is 
no way to talk to an intendin' bride on her weddin' eve, 
an' I'm sure I wish yuh all sorts of joy, Sophronia, my dear. 
I've sent yer present on up to town to be there a waitin' 
yuh. 

Sophronia. That's a dear thoughtful old Aunty. I 
hope you didn't go and do anything extravagant. {Re- 
proachfully.) 

Mrs. Perk. No, I didn't. I jest wrung the necks uv a 
dozen uv me spring chickens, an' packed 'em in a barrel 
with a dozen gem jars uv me prize perserves, an' I sez 
to Joshua, ''That's a present that will do fer city folk an' 
country folk alike, style or no style." 

Sophronia. How perfectly darling of you, and so like 
you, dear. {Commotion without, grumbling and grunting.) 

Enter Tilly giggling. 

Tilly. There's a gink with a big bundle at the door. 
Shall I bring him in? Tee hee. {Hand to mouth as usual.) 
Selina. Yes, Tilly, do. 



SOPHRONIA'S WEDDING 35 

Enter man, struggling and grumbling, ''Look out'' ''Care- 
ful now,'' and deposits huge bundle and withdraws. 

Selina. Land sakes ! Whatever next ! 

SoPHRONiA {feebly and slowly). I've a premonition it's 
a feather bed. {As the bundle is unzvrappcd.) Yes, it is. 
I haven't seen one in years. How — how quaintly useful ! 
How sweet of somebody. {Glacing at accompanying card.) 
"Respects and compliments of Mr. and Mr. Nathaniel 
Thorndyke and Grandma Thorndyke." The dear old souls ! 
I'll bet their old gander, Ebenezer, that used to chase me to 
school every day, is in there. I'm glad I'll be able to sit on 
him properly at last. {Laughs pleasantly.) 

Mrs. Kil. I suppose you use those patent hair mattresses, 
Miss Piper. These, of course, are so unhygienic. The 
doctor always discourages their use. 

Enter Tommy Savinsoules, hatless and hurried as usual. 

Tommy. Ma, Carrie sez tO' come quick! The baby's all 
broke out in a rash. 

Mrs. Savin, {reaching for coat). Oh, dear, dear! I 
thought he had everything that goes with a rash. Good- 
bye, dear Sophronia, and God bless you. Good night, Mrs. 
Piper. Come, Tommy! {Exit Mrs. Savinsoules and 
Tommy.) 

Mrs. Kil. She needn't worry. Elmer's made a special 
study of rashes and I never knew any rash to beat his diag- 
nosis. 

Sophronia. Poor Mrs. Savinsoules. I don't know how 
she ever looks after things the way she does. She's half 
promised me to come to town for a visit at Easter. {Inter- 
rupted by a faint shriek from Mrs. Peabody.) What is it, 
Mrs. Peabody? 

Mrs. Peabody. Selina Ann Piper, will you have the 
goodness to tell me at onct zvho gev Sophronia this here 
hand painted sofer cushion? {Holding up gaudy offending 
article.) 

Selina. Why — why — Miss Polly Pennywhistle up 
Georgetown way, I think. Why? 



36 SOPHRONIA'S WEDDING 

Mrs. Peabody (grimly). I thought as much. Now I 
know who values friendship's gifts an' who don't. 

Mrs. Dodd, Whut's the matter, Peace? 

Mrs. Peabody. Pm not wantin' to make trouble, it's not 
my way, but I painted that cushion five years ago an' gev 
it to ]\Iandy Fisher on her silver wedding anniversary. And 
Polly Pennyvv'histle's JMandy's niece ! 

Selina. Gracious, Peace ! Don't you think you've made 
a mistake? 

Sophronia (soothingly). Doubtless the same pattern, 
dear Mrs. Peabody. 

Mrs. Peabody (irately). Mistake? I guess not. I bought 
that satin when Abe Skinner wuz sellin 'out fer fifty-nine 
cents a yard, double fold. An' I could paint them pansies 
with my eyes shut. 

Miss Sykes (to Miss Spriggs). Looks like she done it 
that way in the first place. (Exit Selina Ann quietly.) 

Miss Snip, (aside to Mrs. Kil.). I see the Joneses only 
sent a set of horn carvers. I wuz expectin' they'd do some- 
thing handsome seein' their daughter boarded ofT Selina 
Ann all last summer. Hev yuh come across anything from 
the Matt Sawyers? My, but they're stingy. 

Miss Lob. (to Miss Pam). This here silver is nearly 
all plate. I saw them pickle jars at Scroggins's hardware 
marked down to $L49. \Miat did Mrs. Savinsoules give? 
(Miss Pamelia points out a small tasteful picture.) Dear 
me, jest that? It's nothing like as fine as the one we got 
with the soap wrappers. 

Mrs. Snod. (in a whisper behind hand to Miss Snip.). 
Where's Mrs. Killemquick's present? (As Miss Snippem 
holds lip small enamel jezvel box.) What? Such a triflin' 
gew gaw ! Yes, indeed, Sophronia (aloud, turning to So- 
ppironia), perfectly exquisite! As I wuz jest remarking 
to Miss Snippem, here. (During these last conversations 
Selina Ann has been out of the room looking after re- 
freshments and Sophronia absorbed in conversation zvith 
Mrs. Perkins or Mrs. Killemouick in one corner.) 

Sophronia. Don't you just adore satsuma. Don't you 



SOPHRONIA'S WEDDING Z7 

think it almost finer than Cloisonne? {Handling the little 
jewel box.) 

Mrs. Dodd. {willing to try it anyway). Well — er — now 
as you ask it, seems to me I do like it best, but it must be 
well cooked through an' plenty of spices. (Sophronia and 
Mrs. Killem quick exchange smiles.) 

Sophronia {producing pencil and pad). Oh, while I 
think of it, friends, will you give me an idea of your cos- 
tumes for tomorrow? 

Miss Lob., Miss Snip., Miss Spriggs. Our costumes? 

Sophronia. Yes. (Preparing to make notes.) What 
do you intend to wear at the wedding? 

Mrs. Peabody. Well, I'll be wearing my black alpacy, 
of course, same's I alwus wear to weddin's an' funerals. 

Sophronia {writing on pad on knee). Any trimmings? 

Mrs. Peabody. Of course, there's jet on the polonnaise 
an' I've a bran' new lace tippet. 

Sophronia. How perfectly grand ! And you, Mrs. 
Snodgrass ? 

Mrs. Snod. I can't see whatever yuh want ter mark it 
down fer but I suppose it's to remember us by. Well, I'll 
be wearing my plum-colored silk that I wore to your chris- 
tening, Sophronia ; and it's plenty good it will be fer my 
funeral. 

Sophronia {writing). Please don't speak of funerals 
again. And you, dear Mrs. Doddridge? 

Mrs. Dodd. Well, I may say, sence you ask it, that I've 
got something bran' new. It wasn't no bargain goods neither 
like some's I could name. I had Miss Flossy Snippem, 
here, make me a brown silk in the latest fashion, except the 
skirt. I couldn't countenance that! 

Sophronia. Lovely ! How about you, dear Mrs. Per- 
kins ? 

Mrs. Perk, {dolefully). I'm hopin' it'll rain so's I kin 
wear Aunt Jane Turnbull's bead *'dolman" she left me in 
her will. It's not new but it's new to me. 

Sophronia {writing). Well, wear it anyway, but don't 



38 SOPHRONIA'S WEDDING 

wish rain on me, dear Aunty Perkins. (To Miss Spriggs.) 
You'll be in white as usual, Mossy? 

Miss Spriggs (nodding). All in virgin white, peau-de 
soie. Limerick lace, touches of burnt orange and white sun- 
shade. 

Mrs. Dodd (going over to Sophronia, in loud zvhisper). 
I'd like yuh to make mention uv my white feather boa, 
Sophronia. It's the only one in the village. 

Sopiironia (nods, smiling and writes). And you, Miss 
Snippem ? 

Miss Snip. Oh, I'll wear the black silk I always wear 
on state occasions. I got the back panel torn at Uncle 
Ezra's funeral but it mended up nicely. 

Sophronia (shivering). Ugh! Another funeral! You 
almost make me feel spooky. You'll wear your dove cash- 
meres, I suppose, Miss Pamelia and ]Miss Lobelia? (Both 
nod.) 

Miss Pam. Yes, and we've had a width taken out of 
the skirts, the hem raised three inches and touches of peach- 
bloom velvet on the bodices. And, oh (leaning forward 
eagerly), shall I tell her, sister? 

Miss Lob. As you like, dear Pamelia. I know Sophro- 
nia'll approve even if some here don't. 

Miss Pam, (timidly hut ecstatically). We've got grey 
kid boots to match — high ones — and — similar hosiery. 

Sophronia. Good for you, dears ! The lilies of the field 
will have nothing on you two. 

Miss Lob. (nervously plucking Sophronia^s arm). Only 
— only, Sophronia, please don't mention the — ^the hosiery in 
print. 

Mrs. Snod. Sophronia, I forgot to say that Seraphina 
will wear her drab as usual. 

Sophronia (sighing as she writes). Poor Seraphina! 
How I'd love to see her in a soft rose voile or pink muslin, 
and with a kink in her hair. 

Mrs. Snod. Seraphina has both modesty and common 
sense, I'm glad to say. 

Sophronia (rising briskly). Oh, I'm sure you'll all look 



SOPHRONIA'S WEDDING 39 

grand* and put it over the city friends in great shape. Now 
for some music before we go out to the dining room for re- 
freshments. How I'll miss your singing, Lottie Anne, and 
Miss Pamelia's playing. There's only one thing I'm not 
up-to-date on and that's music. I love the old songs best. 

Miss Spriggs, Mrs. Dodd, Mrs. Peabody. Same here, 
Sophronia. Me too. 

Mrs. Perk. Joshua says he hopes they'll sing ^'Silver 
Threads Among the Gold" at his funeral and Pve half 
promised him. 

Mrs. Dodd. When Abner's pa was on his deathbed he'd 
hev me sing "Loch Lomond" an' *T'm Wearin' Awa', Jean," 
by the hour, an' onct I was that mortified before the min- 
ister, the last incumberance, not Mr. Savinsoules, he stopped 
me in the middle uv ''Abide with Me" and asks fer "Old 
Black Joe." 

Sophronia (half laughing). Now, no more funerals, 
pos-i-tive-ly. I want "The Old Oaken Bucket." I thought 
that was the loveliest thing when the quartet sang it at last 
Thanksgiving supper. You play, Pamelia. (Four ladies 
sing with feeling and pathos, the rest keeping up a gentle 
hum in the chorus.) 

Mrs. Perk, (reminiscently wiping eyes). Them were the 
days, Selina Ann. "The days of our youth are the days 
of our glory," as the poet says. Now sing my favorite, 
Lottie Anne. You know it. 

(Pamelia runs hands over the keys in several old time 
favorites, ''Swanee River," ^'Tara's Harp,'' etc., gliding 
into ''When You and I Were Young, Maggie.") 

Mrs. Perk. That's it. Next to the Psalms that's my 
favorite piece of music. (Lottie Anne sings with great 
pathos. Violin obligato behind the scenes if possible. At 
the close several are blowing their noses and sniffing.) 

Miss Spriggs (sighing). I suppose we'll all soon be get- 
ting old. 

Sophronia (wiping eyes and rising). But we're getting 
gloomy again. I'll call Jabez to liven us up a bit. I love 
his jigs and reels. (Cafls^) Ja-bez! 



40 SOPHRONIA'S WEDDING 

{Some stirring Scotch airs, reels, etc., imnding up with 
''My Old Kentucky Home'' softly and plaintively are played 
behind the scenes. Noise zvithont.) 

SoPHRONiA. There ! I hear wheels. That must be Gene- 
vieve Van Houten, a classmate and my bridesmaid, ladies. 
{Bustle and a loud voice talking to Tilly without.) 

Genevieve Van Houten {off stage). Gee whiz! Such 
a hole to live in. Whew, glad I'm heah. 

SoPHRONiA. There's her knock. {Ladies rise as though 
to go.) No, no, sit down. I want you all to meet her. She's 
a dear. 

Enter Genevieve Van Houten with considerable stir 
and followed by Tilly. 

Tilly {giggling). Miss Van Houting. (Genevieve (/r^^f.? 
Selina, kisses Sophronia, undoes her veil and talks almost 
simultaneously.) 

Gen. Oh, hello, Sophronia, old deah. I thought I'd 
nevah get heah ! You didn't tell me you lived off the map. 
The train simply crawled ! Oh, I see you've some friends in. 
I thought you'd be getting your beauty sleep. 

Sophronia {introducing ladies, who bow stiffly). These 
are my old friends and Mamma's. Miss Van Houten, ladies, 
and they've brought me such darling gifts, far more than I 
deserve. 

Gen. {looking round). Gracious! What are you doing? 
Running a museum for antiques ? Heavens ! What in the 
name of goodness are all these things? 

Sophronia. Gifts, my dear. Aren't they unique and 
charming? 

Gen. {shivering) . Ugh! They give me the shivers. {Spy- 
ing the feather bed.) For the love of Pete! What's this 
bundle? A load of hay for your flivver? {Ladies look on 
coldly and disapprovingly.) 

Sophronia {hastily). Sh-sh-sh-sh, Genevieve ! Look at 
these darling salts and peppers. 

Gen. {loudly). Gee! It looks to me as though you were 
going to live on pickles, you and Chester. Say, did Noah 



SOPHRONIA'S WEDDING 41 

loan them that from the Ark? (Pointing to the antima- 
cassar. ) 

Miss Snip, (zvith a withering look, sarcastically). Not 
having hved in them days, we ain't famiHar with what wus 
in the Ark. Perhaps you know, Miss Van Hooting. 

Gen. (laughing while Sophronia draws her azvay). You 
score, Mrs. or Miss — I forgot who. 

Sophronia. You must be tired, Genevieve, after the 
trip. Your room is all ready and Mamma will take up a 
cup of tea to you while the friends and I repair to the 
dining room. 

Gen. All right, see you later. Good night, ladies ! 
(Exeunt Genevieve and Selina Ann.) 

Mrs. Snod. Now I see we've something to be thankful 
for. Sophronia might have been a whole lot worse. 

Sophronia (coming back from door). Oh, you'll like 
Genevieve when you know her better. She's a dear. 

Mrs. Peabody (sharply). Some folks do take a lot of 
knowing. (Rising.) 

Sophronia. Come along, then, all, for some elderberry 
wine and spice cake. I think I have a new cake for you — 
devil's food cake. (Sophronia stands by door marshalling 
all out to the dining room.) I'm so glad you all came. I 
just wish you could drop in on Chester and me like this in 
our new home. 

Mrs. Perk, (the last to go out, with arm about Sophro- 
nia). Don't be rash, Sophronia. Remember there's a lot 
of us. (Exeunt.) 

Curtain. 



42 SOPHRONIA'S WEDDING 

Act III. 

Scene: Same as Act I, the Village Hall, two days after 
the wedding. 

Enter Mrs. Doddridge_, looks rather depressed, moves 
restlessly about the rooin looking at banners, mottoes, etc., 
on the zvall, sighing deeply at intervals. Finally sits down 
and takes out knitting. Frequent sighs. 

Mrs. Dodd. I'm a bit early, I see. I wouldn't a come at 
all only to get out o' the house, it's that gloomy since — 
since the weddin's over. {Sighs and knits.) Oh, dear! An' 
I went and forgot to get Sophronia to tell me how to turn 
the heel the new way. A useful girl, Sophronia, an' smart, 
alwus on to new ways uv doin' things. I wonder if she's 
settin' the machinery goin' in the new house today. (Drops 
work listlessly in lap, looking straight ahead of her into 
space. Long sigh.) 

Enter Miss Snippem, also disconsolately, throws hat on 
chair, sighs and greets IvIrs. Doddridge half-heartedly. 

Miss Snip. How de do, Miss-s-s Doddridge. Nasty 
day — too hot — I mean too windy — at least there's a hint o' 
rain in the air. (Goes to table and drums zvith fingers, then 
looks drearily out of window.) My, but wasn't the weddin' 
grand. I felt all in yestiddy. I suppose Sophronia'll be 
wearin' the pink organdy I made her today it's so hot — or 
mebbe the sand-colored poiret twill. She'll look sweet in 
either o' them. (Sighs.) 

Mrs. Dodd. (heavy sigh, knitting 'without looking up). 
Yes, it is a kin' o' dreary day — fer all it's that sunshiny. 

Miss Snip, (looking out of the zmndow). The Pipers' 
house don't look natural sence Sophronia went. I wonder 
how Salina Ann stands it. It kind uv gives me a chill. 

Enter Mrs. Snodgrass, Miss Spriggs, Mrs. Killem- 
QuiCK, Mrs. Savinsoules. 

Mrs. Snod. (rather subdued for her) . You got here ahead 
uv us I see. Kind of a dreary day outside. Not exactly 
rainin' but I'd as lief hev rain as too much sunshine. 



SOPHRONIA'S WEDDING 43 

Miss Spriggs. Yes, it's a storm-brewer, you may bet. 
How's Seraphina's a — er — limb? 

Mrs. Snod. Nicely, thanks. I'm using Sophronia's lini- 
ment that she sent for Tommy Savinsoules an' it helps a 
lot. An' whut do you think ! She sent over half the weddin' 
flowers an' a big hunk o' weddin' cake. Seraphina was that 
tickled, even if Sophronia is a bit peculiar on some things. 

Miss Spriggs. She's different from the rest of us — 
that's all. (Sighs.) 

Enter the Misses Witherspoon. 

Miss Lob. How d'ye do, everybody. Wasn't the wed- 
ding jest grand ! 

All {brightening). I should say so! 

Mrs. Dodd. It certainly wuz grand, that supper er 
breakfast er whatever ye call it. An' I don't care what you 
think, Maria Snodgrass, I et that devil's food cake an' it 
was the best thing I ever tasted. Beats angel cake all holler. 

Mrs. Snod. From the name of it I was afraid — afraid 
there might be intoxicants in its composition — brandy, for 
instance. 

Miss Snip. Weren't the gowns dreams? That Mrs. De- 
Swagger from High Park, did ye notice her creation in 
Belgian blue poplin? Paris, I'm certain. 

Miss Lob. (laughing) . There wasn't much to notice, if 
you ask me, leastways not in the skirt. The floral scheme 
was magnificent — it takes them paid flowerists to do the 
trick. 

Miss Pam. An' the orchestra ! I never heard sech 
strains. Did — did you notice how handsome the best man 
was? Sophronia gave me a special introduction to him. 
(Coyly.) 

Mrs. Dodd. I must say fer Sophronia an' Selina Ann 
Piper, they didn't slight their old friends. We hed the best 
of everything and they wasn't a bit ashamed of us. 

Enter Mrs. Perkins^ stibdued, spiritless and red-eyed. 

Mrs. Perk. How do, Maria, an' everybody. I wusn't 
comin' a step but I jest had to get out o' the house it's that 



44 SOPHRONIA'S WEDDING 

lonely. I aint missed anyone so much sence my Teeny got 
married an' went West. {Heavy sigh, sits.) 

Mrs. Snod. Well, the sooner we get to business the 
sooner it's over. You know what the meetin's called for 
today, to decide about puttin' Sophronia Piper an' her ma 
off the roll oi membership of the T. U. S. An' I must say 
the evidence was very damaging last day. (Ladies knit 
quietly zvithoiit looking up, occasional heavy sighs.) 

Mrs. Dodd (faintly). It were that. (Sigh.) 

Mrs. Snod. We must not shirk duty. It is not a pleas- 
ant duty, to be sure. (Sighs.) I myself see many good 
points in the girl's character. (Long pause, ladies knit furi- 
ously without looking up. With spirit.) Has nobody any- 
thing to say? Lucindy Perkins, whut are yuh settin' there 
for lookin' like a graven image? , 

Mrs. Perk, (looking up suddenly with a long sigh). I 
haven't heard a solitary word you sed, Maria Snodgrass. 
I wuz jest wishin' it wuz P'air time. (Chokes, breaks 
dozvn, wipes eyes. Ladies look sympathetic and blow noses, 
etc.) 

Mrs. Savinsoules. I wonder who'll support that Bible 
woman in India, now Sophronia's gone. And who'll take 
broth to old Granny Deever every Saturday? 

Miss Spriggs. And who'll set out Mother's bulbs next 
spring when I'm away teaching? 

Miss Lob. And who'll take the Primary Class like So- 
phronia? 

Miss Pam. Who ever'll help me to get up the Christmas 
tree. Sophronia was a gem at decorating and gave most 
of the things herself. 

Mrs. Kil. The doctor will miss her. He said she's the 
best tonic his convalescents had and he often prescribed 
an hour of Sophronia when other things failed. 

Mrs. Snod. Yes, Sophronia has been a useful girl. 
Seems — almost — as if we might — er — reconsider. I'm open- 
minded and always willin' to change if I find I'm in the 
wrong. Has anyone anything — 



SOPHRONIA'S WEDDING 45 

Enter Miss Lottie Anne Sykes Tmth an open newspaper 
in hand, greatly excited. 

Miss Sykes. Oh, ladies hev you seen The Beacon f (All 
crozi'd round except Mrs. Savinsoules and Mrs. Perkins.) 
Listen! (Reads.) "An event of unusual interest took place 
at Spring Brae, the home of Mrs. J. Anderson Piper, when 
her daughter, Sophronia, was given in marriage to Dr. 
Chester A. Van Courtland, the rising young surgeon of 
Toronto." 

Mrs. Dodd., Miss Snip, (amazed). Dr. Van Courtland? 

Mrs. Kil. I thought he was a tonsorial artist, a barber. 

Miss Sykes. Oh, I forgot to tell you. It's that loony 
Tilly Tucker's mistake. She heard .Sophronia talking about 
a wonderful operation Chester performed where he drew 
out the lady's tonsils. So she puts two and two together 
and figgers it out he's one of them tonsorial artists she'd 
read about in novels. She added the three stands with four 
chairs apiece on her own account. 

Miss Spriggs. Of all the feather brains ! I kind o' 
thought he was more'n a barber. Well now ! 

Mrs. Perk. Mrs. Dr. Van Courtland. I'm right glad 
fer Sophronia. 

Miss Sykes (continuing to read). "The presents were 
numerous and handsome. Old friends vying with each other 
in honoring the fair bride." 

Mrs. Perk. I'll bet the editor put that last bit in. So- 
phronia never would. 

Miss Sykes. But listen! (Reads.) The costumes were 
exceedingly handsome. (Aside.) Then it gives us first in 
detail. (Reads.) Mrs. Uriah Snodgrass, lovely gown of 
black moire, bodice a la pompadour, touches of rose point. 
With this costume was worn quaint gold ornaments, a fam- 
ily heirloom." 

Mrs. Snod. (amazed and gratified). Did you ever! I 
wore my old carnelian brooch an' ear drops. 

Miss Sykes (continuing). "Mrs. Peace Peabody, charm- 
ing costume of black peau-de-soie, the bodice elaborately 
trimmed with cut jet, bouquet of purple pansies." 



46 SOPHRONIA'S WEDDING 

Miss Snip. Peace'U be all puffed up over that. Wonder 
what's keepin' her. Anything about mine, Lottie Anne? 
{Looking over Lottie's shoulder.) 

Miss Sykes (reading). *'Mrs. Abner Doddridge looked 
distinguished in a rich gown of tobacco brown taffeta, with 
touches of rose. Round her neck was a magnificent white 
ostrich boa." 

Mrs. Dodd (extremely gratified). Well now! That is a 
nice dress if I do say it. I wish -she hadn't put in the word 
''tobacco," though, fer I belong to the Anti-Smokers' 
League an' am tryin' to break Abner off of his pipe. I must 
send that paper to Abner's folks. How much does ten 
copies cost, Lottie Anne? 

Miss Sykes (reading). "Mrs. Joshua Perkins was 
gowned in soft clinging material in purple shades, sur- 
mounted by a rich cloak heavily embroidered in jet." 

]\Irs. Perk, (luhose month has been opening ever wider 
as she hears her gozvn glorified). Land sakes ! I only wore 
Aunt Jane's old dolman over my plum to hide where the 
coffee wuz spilt. 

Miss Sykes (reading). **Miss Spriggs, graceful as ever 
in white. Corsage bouquet of Richmond roses. The Misses 
Witherspoon were symphonies in gray from the crown of 
their heads to the tips of their toes, their gowns being of 
softest dove color 'cashmere de soie,' the skirts caught up 
in folds of contrasting color. They carried sunshades to 
match." (Extreme gratification on the part of the Misses 
Witherspoon.) 

Miss Pam (with a sigh of relief). I'm — I'm so glad she 
didn't mention the gray boots and — the — the — 

Miss Lob. (with finger to lips). Sh-sh-sh-sh, sister! 
That was a graceful way of drawing attention to them, 
though, "From the crowns of their heads to the tips of their 
toes." 

Miss Sykes (reading). "Miss Flossy Snippem, a charm- 
ing figure in battleship gray, her hair done — " 

Enter Mrs. Peabody, her arms full of Hat square parcels, 
which prove to be photographs. 



SOPHRONIA'S WEDDING 47 

Mrs. Peabody. Excuse me, ladies. From force of habit 
I waited for the three o'clock mail an' look whut was on it 
— one for each of us. (Giving out parcels amid exclama- 
tions of wonder and joy. All open theirs and Mrs. Kill- 
EMQUiCK proudly exhibits hers to the audience.) 

Mrs. Kil. Now isn't that a beautiful thought? Our pic- 
tures on the lawn the day of the wedding. Elmer looks so 
distinguished, if I may say it. 

Mrs. Perk, (smiling). Takin' by that disreputable movin' 
picture man, Jack Smellie, too ! 

Mrs. Snod. (examining closely). Yes, here we are, an' 
I declare, we all look pretty well, though you. Mossy 
Spriggs, never photographed good yer that thin ; an' you, 
Lucindy Perkins, yer dolman's lifelike, but what a size you 
are ! Lobelia, yuh look pinched an' peaked an' Pamelia looks 
as if she hed jest heard uv her own demise. Oh, well, we'll 
do. We all can't look purty, I suppose. It's certainly nice 
to hev sech a souvenir of the event. 

Miss Snip. Yes, here we are immortalized on cardboard. 
Sophronia's very considerate, Fll admit. (Sighs from sev- 
eral as they remember the business of the meeting.) 

Mrs. Snod. (half-heartedly) . Ladies, if you'll be seated, 
we'll resume the business of the meetin'. Let's get it over 
quick. Shall we or shall we not — 

Mrs. Perk, (suddenly rising, dropping knitting to floor.) 
Maria Snodgrass, friends, I'm goin' to make a speech. 
(Clears her throat.) I've been settin' here thinkin' that with 
all our upliftin' of Tattletown Community, an' barns, an' 
fences, an' roads, an' pastures we'd best begin at home an' 
uplift ourselves. It's come to me that we don't set our 
faces agin gossip as we should. We don't look fer the best 
in folks. I found out sence last meetin' that Stephen Stone 
didn't burn his barn, an' that the old lady Sawyer wusn't put 
out on the road, an' that Job Aikins wusn't brought home 
drunk from the saloon, it wuz the drug store an' he had fell 
in a faint, an' Carrie Savinsoules doesn't flirt with the organ- 
ist fer she's goin' to marry a young man uv much the same 
name, a minister up at Southampton, an' Sophronia's "paw- 



48 SOPHRONIA'S WEDDING 

namaw" hat didn't cost but $5.98 at a fire sale. Themes 
jest samples uv how folks gets things wrong if they're 
lookin' fer the worst instead uv the best. 

Mrs. Snod. (nodding agreement). Yes, I find sometimes 
we get things mixed, and as our dear minister sez only last 
Sabbath. (Aside to Mrs. Savinsoules.) We must get him 
a new horse, Mrs. Savinsoules, an' hev the parsonage done 
over fer you, too. Sez he, '*We ought to tell a good story 
about a person as readily as a bad one, even if it's not so 
spicy." (Ladies nod.) 

]\Irs. Dodd. Yes, "Look fer the best in folks an' the 
best'U come back to you," as the poet says. 

Miss Snip. Wherefore, I move that instead of putting 
Sophronia Piper and her ma out of this society, as was 
our intention on coming here, we instruct the secretary to 
write Sophronia a letter of regret at her departure, of ap- 
preciation of her work as a friend and helper in the good 
work of this community. (Hand clapping.) And further- 
more, I move that we make Miss Sophronia Piper the first 
Honorary Member of the Tattletown Uplift Society. 

Mrs. Snod. (as three or four spring to their feet to sec- 
ond it). Let us make it a standing vote, ladies. (All stand.) 

Mrs. Perk. And, ladies, I propose a new motto for our 
society. Here it is, ready to frame. Whenever we are 
tempted to tell an unkind story, let's all look up at it. (Un- 
rolls large poster on which is uritten, ''Let Something Good 
he Said'') 

Curtain. 



DENISON'S ACTING PLAYS 

Partial List of Successful and Popular Plays. Larso Catalogue Free 



M. F. 

Trial of Hearts, 4 acts, 2^ hrs. 

(25c) 6 18 

Trip to Storyland, 1%. hrs.(25c) 17 23 
Uncle Josh, 4 acts, 2% hrs. (25c) 8 3 
Under Blue Skies, 4 acts, 2 

hrs (25c]l7 10 

When Smith Stepped Out, 3 

acts, 2 hrs (35c>- '4 4 

Winning Widow, 2 acts, V/2 hrs. 

(25c) 2 4 

Women Who Did, 1 hr. . . (25c) 17 

FARCES, COMEDIETAS. Etc. 

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All on a Summer's Day, 40 min. 4 6 

April Fools, 30 rain 3 

Assessor, The, 10 min 3 2 

Aunt Harriet's Night Out, 35 

min '. 1 2 

Baby Show at Pineville, 20 min. 19 

Billy's Chorus Girl, 25 min... 2 3 

Billy's Mishap, 20 miri. ...... 2 3 

Borrowed Luncheon, 20 min.. 5 

Borrowing Trouble, 20 min.... 3 5 

Case Against Casey, 40 min... 23 

Country Justice, 15 min 8 

Cow that Kicked Chicago, 20 m. 3 2 
Divided Attentions, 35 min. ..14 

Family Strike, 20 min 3 3 

First-Class Hotel, .20 min.... 4 

For Love and Honor, 20 min.. 2 1 

Fudge and a Burglar, 15 min.. 5 

Fun in Photo Gallery, 30 min.. 6 10 

Getting Rid of Father, 20 min. 3 1 
Great Medical Dispensary, 30 m. 6 
Great Pumpkin Case, 30 min.. 12 

Hans Von Smash, 30 min.... 4 3 
Initiating a Granger, 25 min.. 8 

Irish Linen Peddler, 40 min... 3 3 

Kansas Immigrants, 20 min... 5 1 

Lottie Sees It Through, 35 min. 3 4 

Men Not Wanted, 30 min 8 

Mother Goose's Goslings, 30 m. 7 9 

Mrs. Jenkins' Brilliant Idea, 35m. 8 

Mrs. Stubbins' Book Agent, 30 m. 3 2 

Not a Man in the House, 40 m. 5 

Pair of Lunatics, 20 min 1 1 

Patsy O'Wang, 35 min....... 4 3 

Pat, the Apothecary, 35 min.. 6 2 

Persecuted Dutchman, 30 min . 6 3 

Please Pass the Cream, 20 min. 1 1 

Second Childhood, 15 min.... 2 2 

Shadows, 35 min 2 2 

Sing a Song of Seniors, 30 min. 7 

Smith's Unlucky Day, 20 min.. 1 1 

Taking Father's Place, 30 min. 5 3 

That Rascal Pat, 30 min 3 2 

Too Much of a Good Thing, 45 

min 3 6 

Turn Him Out, 35 min 3 2 

Two Aunts and a Photo, 20 m. 4 
Two Gentlemen in a Fix, 15 m. 2 

Two Ghosts in White, 20 min. . 8 



M. F. 

Two of a Kind, 40 min 2 3 

Uncle Dick's Mistake, 20 min.. 3 2 

Wanted a Correspondent, 45 m. 4 4 
Watch, a Wallet, and a Jack of 

Spades, 40 min 3 6 

Whole Truth. 40 min 5 4 

Who's the Boss ? 25 min 3 6 

Wide Enough for Two, 45 min. 5 2 

Wrong Baby, 25 min 8 

VAUDEVILLE SKETCHES, MON- 
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Amateur, 15 min 1 1 

At Harmony Junction, 20 min. 4 

Axin' Her Father, 25 min 2 3 

Booster Club of Blackville, 25 m.lO 
Breakfast Food for Two, 20 m. 1 1 

Cold Finish, 15 min 2 1 

Colored Honeymoon, 25 min... 2 2 
Coon Creek Courtship, 15 min. 1 1 
Coming Champion, 20 min.... 2 
Coontown Thirteen Club, 25 m.l4 

Counterfeit Bills, 20 min 1 1 

Darktown Fire Brigade, 25 min. 10 
Doings of a Dude, 20 min.... 2 1 

For Reform, 20 min 4 

Fresh Timothy Hay, 20 min ..21 
Glickman, the Glazier, 25 min. 1 1 
Good Mornin' Judge, 35 min.. 9 2 

Her Hero, 20 min 1 1 

Hey, Rube! 15 min 1 

Home Run, 15 min 1 1 

Hungry, 15 min 2 

Little Miss Enemy, 15 min.... 1 1 
Little Red School House, 20 m. 4 
Love and Lather, 35 min...., 3 2 
Marriage and After, 10 min.. 1 

Memphis Mose, 25 min 5 1 

Mischievous Nigger, 25 min.. 4 2 
Mr. and Mrs. Fido, 20 min.... 1 1 

Oh, Doctor! 30 min 6 2 

One Sweetheart for Two, 20 m. 2 

Oyster Stew, 10 min 2 

Pete Yansen's Gurl's Moder, 10m. 1 

Pickles for Two, 15 min 2 

Si and I, 15 min 1 

Special Sale, 15 min 2 

Street Faker, 15 min 3 

Such Ignorance, 15 min 2 

Sunny Son of Italy, 15 min.. 1 

Time Table, 20 min 1 1 

Tramp and the Actress. 20 min. 1 1 
Troubled by Ghosts, 10 min... 4 
Troubles of Rozinski, 15 min.. 1 
Two Jay Detectives, 15 min.. 3 
Umbrella Mender, 15 min.... 2 
What Happened to Hannah, 15m. 1 1 

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